Happy Birthday Maybe Baby!!

Here is my journal entry for today. I thought I would go ahead and post it here to share. Life presently is still having it’s ups and downs. We are happy yet taking it one day at a time. Love to you all! Let’s all be more kind, gentle and just try to take better care of ourselves and each other. Remember there can NEVER be a “WE” in any situation unless there is a “ME”. Peace, Rachel Today is Mabel’s birthday. She is one year old. I’m just racking my brain trying to figure out where the time went. I know, I know every parent does that….whether their child is turning one or 100. I remember when she was born, fully clear that it was vital for me and her that we spent every moment of every day together. We did something called “Kangaroo Care”, where we did full skin to skin contact for the first 6 weeks of her life. I was so glad she was born in the warm weather so we could do that. Literally every day, all day long, her and I cuddled and loved each other in a way I had never experienced with any of my other children. Don’t get me wrong, I did my very best with each child’s birth and life soon thereafter. I cuddled and cradled them as often and as much as I consciously could, at the time.

All my dear babies were born at home. Three of them were born underwater and I DEFINITELY wouldn’t have it any other way. There is/was something different with Mabel that I just had never experienced before. I do believe there are so many factors involved but I know FOR SURE that the 2 years prior to her conception were years that were so growth promoting for me and Chris that I’m sure that played the biggest part in our being able to love Mabel so much. She showed us this child like part of ourselves that, for whatever reason, we struggled to fully LOVE and let LOVE in with our other children. Even though I feel saddened a bit that she has grown up some, my heart is full of gratitude that I took the needed time to stop my life and cherish her when she was so tiny.

I remember how overwhelmed I felt when we found out I was pregnant with her. I thought I might burst because I didn’t feel ready to bring another little life into this world especially into our family. I spent days and months praying fervently that I would be ready and able to give myself to this baby like I never had been able to with my other children. (Please know that NOW I can and do give myself in this way to my other children but when they were so little I didn’t know or hadn’t given space to be able to do that yet.) If I was going to do this….if I was going to share in this experience of conception, pregnancy, birth and life….then I was going to do it as conscious as I possibly could. I wanted to be completely aware of each and every choice I was making. Some choices may seem so minute but from what food I put into my mouth to what thoughts I let enter my brain were choices that I chose full consciousness. Then I would know and be able to say to myself and whoever asked….I did my VERY best, in all regards, for not just my baby but for me, my husband, my other children and most importantly for my Divine Mother and Father.

I guess my point is I wonder if without Mabel I would have been able to make the needed changes in my life to bring me to the new place of joy and love I am now. That doesn’t mean I’m happy every moment but it does mean I can find happiness smoothly and effectively, like I never had before. Mabel not only brought with her a form of lightness, clarity and newness I hadn’t ever experienced before, she brought an opportunity for me to really ask the questions I needed to ask and move through the answers gently and consistent yet speedily. I had never experienced growth and change in this way before. For the first time I think the word submission and true acceptance entered my vocabulary. Both words I should have spoken and applied LONG before.I just wanted to share a few thoughts and memories of the time she chose to enter our lives. It had not nor will it ever be the same now that she has entered. Our family has bonded like NEVER before. We congregate around her persistence and praise her every move. We feel honored that she chose us. Not that she is any more special or different than the rest of us, just that she saw and took the plunge to aid in our growth, progression and change that will last forever. For that, we honor her.

She most likely will be our last child. We are not absolutely sure yet if another will come after her. But if she is, I can say that I don’t regret a moment since the day we found out she was inside me and was going to become such a HUGE part of our lives. I took every chance and time I could to do and be better in every way. Because I could see and do that then, I’m thankful to say it has carried over and I am and can still do that now.

Thank you, our dear sweet LOVELY Mabel. We love you so much today. You have turned our worlds upside down and for that we will be forever indebted and forever grateful. You look so BIG to us now and we pray that your our future years together will become more clear, more concise and much more connected that the last. HAPPY, HAPPY BiRTHDAY!!