Relishing in Feeling

I seem to have nothing but time on my hands, as of late. I usually don’t even leave my bed until sometime between 10 and noon. So….during that time, I am most likely on the internet scouring for interesting or inviting things to keep me entertained while I do my best to refrain from throwing up.

This morning I was remembering a time several months ago when my sister Kim showed me a new musician she has recently heard of. We laid on my bed, in my embarrassingly dirty room, just being close to each other while relishing in the new sounds we were fascinated with. I immediately was taken with Regina Spektor’s music. My interest was peaked even more when I learned a bit about her life and where she came from.

I no longer live in the world of singledom and therefore haven’t had any extra time on my hands to just sit back and really enjoy new music, well until recently. I know in my last post I spoke of Millie and I bonding over enlightening listen pleasure together so I thought I would go ahead and carry on that theme. I have found during this pregnancy that music seems to fill me differently than I remember it ever doing before. I do feel much more vulnerable in most areas of my life right now but I seem to just relish, more than ever, really FEELING music and understanding it’s written and unwritten meanings. For some of my brothers and sisters, I think this is a more common occurrence than it has been for me.

When I first started noticing this change inside myself, I found that I would fight my feelings. I would do my best to “take control” and refuse to let myself feel the joy, sadness, peace, or love or whatever that I might be feeling. Being the control freak that I am, when I feel the need to release in the form of tears, I believe I have mastered the ability to hold back the flood. Which I have found to be quite a disheartening thing, not a happy one.

I am still learning to truly let myself feel ALL my feelings, the whole gamete and spectrum of them. Most recently when these sensations come on it feels as if a dam has broken lose and there is NO WAY to hold back what just came flowing out of it. I seem to no longer have the ability to stop the flood that I, in the past, had perfected from becoming present and surfacing.

I am intrigued by my inability to have any control over it any longer. To be honest, I am actually learning to be grateful for it. I am recognizing and realizing that it might actually be a gift from God to help me really look at myself a bit better and with a bit more clarity. I am sure that what I am seeing and feeling now is the person I have always been. It is just beginning to shine like I never let it before. I am apologize if I am not making any sense. I felt a strong need to share this with others. I hope you enjoy the videos and even go to Regina’s site and listen to more of her music. If you don’t appreciate her music, then I pray you will return to the sounds and songs that sing to your heart and truly LET IN and RELEASE from each note and word to see the NEW YOU whom you might have lost for a time.

Abundant peace to all,
Rachel