I am SO sorry that I have been such a slacker and it has been so long since I have posted. Whenever we plan a sweat lodge ceremony, it seems life gets really crazy for several days before and after. We had a very interesting and VERY emotional and spiritually cleansing ceremony on Saturday. I did actually take some pictures and will show those and talk about the experience in the next couple of days.
I have been going through ALOT emotionally lately. HOLY COW! I feel like I am on an emotional roller coaster ride. It has been REALLY hard to for over the past several days to keep my heart in a place of gratitude. I find myself feeling angry and resentful at the littlest things. I let myself be set off so easily. My hope and belief is that I am hitting some deep rooted issues. I have been working on myself in all aspects health, for the past several years. I feel I am getting to some spiritual and emotional issues that can feel extremely painful when they decide they are ready to come to the surface. I am SO grateful I don’t have to carry those feelings for longer than I chose and that when I am ready I can release them and feel lighter and more at peace.
Man, I am a prideful person!! During our sweat lodge ceremony, I made the intention to gain humility. I can see and recognize my selfishness. Like I have said in the past, I remind myself of a 2 year old child at times. I really still believe the world revolves around me! So often, I am in awe of my behavior and where it came from and why I am acting the way I am. I find that when I am listening to the lies in my head, I feel desperate and lost in this place. When this takes place, I strive to recognize the lies and find the truth which I am not hearing. I strive to find the love that I know is in there for myself and the world around me. I know I have said this all before but I do believe that we end up teaching those things we need to learn ourselves. It helps to me go over and over it again to remind myself of who and what I really am.
This morning at 3 am I got a call from my sister that her water broke. I soon went over to her house to find that she was 8 cm dilated and 90% effaced. It was apparent she was having VERY strong contractions. She was handling them so well. It was funny though because right around the time she started pushing, she looked at me and said, “Okay, I am ready for the epidural now!” Her last baby was born on the curb of the hospital. When she decides to have a baby, she DECIDES to have a baby.
I knew she was going to have a BIG baby. I could tell as I palpated her during her prenatals. Also, her belly was measuring quite large for as many weeks as she was. At the time of pushing, she was having to use much more energy than she had to in the past with her previous births. She was doing so well! When the babies head was fully out, we noticed that pushed that the baby’s head never restituted and his face had the look of a turtle. These 2 signs show that the baby was stuck and had shoulder dystocia. The anterior shoulder was stuck up against the pubic bone and was having a hard time moving past it. So, I proceeded to reach in and grab under the armpit the posterior arm and pulled it out. It worked BEAUTIFULLY and soon thereafter she had a GORGEOUS baby boy. He weighted 10 lbs. 14 ozs and was 19 1/2 inches long. I LOVED helping my sister deliver her baby. It was a very rewarding experience for me. Thanks Amy!!
Lastly, I have been emotionally eating lately. It is quite interesting. Because I have been working hard on emotionally processing my whole jaw thing, I am finding that it is helping IMMENSELY! So….now I am able to eat more foods I wasn’t able to. Isn’t it funny how so often in life we make plans that we really do intend to follow through with but then it doesn’t turn out exactly how we plan? I started out this whole eating thing thinking I was going to do a extended juice fast and then that moved onto a soups and smoothies thing and now, well at least for the last week, I have been eating LOTS more fat than I have eaten in awhile. Chris thinks it’s funny that I emotionally eat with raw foods. Eating raw foods for him fills NO emotional needs. He just laughs at me when I eat something that doesn’t make me feel so hot and I am complaining to him about it.
Like last night, I made DELICIOUS Cabbage Salad. All it is is cabbage, olive oil, lemon juice, salt, and nutritional yeast. I don’t really feel any negative side effects after eating that but I was just letting myself fall into this mode of feeling like a failure because I had thought I would be more diligent with the no fat thing. I am seriously laughing at myself as I am writing this. I am sure the rest of you are too!! I keep thinking I am ready to do another stint of no fat and salt but then by the end of the day, I find myself eating a salad or something of that sort. Anywho, while I am complaining to Chris he sits and says things to me like “You ate cabbage!! You have got to be kidding me that you are feeling bad for eating that. People are out there eating hot dogs and hamburgers and you are suffering guilt for eating cabbage, olive oil and salt.” He is SO great in helping me really put things into perspective. I then remember that I truly want to be really gentle with myself in all areas of my life. I am really grateful that each and everyday I provide myself the opportunity to really listen to my body. I am TOTALLY open to the fact that my body was ready to receive some needed fat. Who knows?
For the next 4-5 days I am not sure if I will able to get to a computer or not. I don’t know if I will be able to post. But…if it is that long, just know my next post will be WAY exciting because I will have LOTS to tell about.
Here is what I ate today.
Tuesday, June 19th:
2 small cantaloupes from Good Earth. They have organic ones right now and they are SOOOO good!
2 cups cabbage salad
1 quart YUMMY green soup that my BEAUTIFUL friend Brooke gave me the recipe for. If there is anyone who wants it, let me know and I will post it on my website.
2 small cantaloupes
Oh, one last THRILLING thought. I forgot to mention that when Chris went on the mountain, James our medicine man, gave him his pipe which means in the Seminole tradition he is officially a medicine man. YEAH FOR CHRIS!! The prayer pipe is another AMAZING modality to symbolically send your prayers to heaven while asking for help and guidance. You don’t actually smoke it by inhaling it into your lungs. You blow through the pipe and out the end while creating your intentions in your heart and mind. You utilize all the elements of fire, water, earth, and air to aid in bringing about the prayers of your heart. I truly have a deep love for the pipe.
Tonight Chris and I sat in our backyard while we passed the pipe and discussed our hopes and dreams of what we want individually and in our lives together. While I meditated on the changes I am trying to make, I listened to the birds and felt the warm breeze across my face and body. I noticed the vibrant greens of the mountains, grass and trees and felt such a strong LOVE for Mother Earth and the abundance of beauty that is stimulating through all the senses. I am again renewed and feeling whole with life.